Solaced Seraphim’s Domain of Philosophy

You are one lucky person out there. Yep, I’m talking to you, reading this entry of mine. Now, I’m not saying this cause I know you, but I know hell well how a person is lucky. Just be proud, give a smile and say to yourself "I’m lucky"

How are you lucky by the way?

Well, you’re lucky for many things. Little and insignificant things, but it’s good luck nontheless. Let’s list a few of them.

Lucky for having loving parents. Lucky for having loving friends. Lucky to go to school, be greeted by the said friends and pat you in the back or two, letting you join in their talk. Lucky to have that friend of yours sat beside you to give you the answers. Lucky to have friends who invite you out to the mall or to hang-outs coz’ they really wanted you there. Go home, a nice warm dinner with the family. Your mother and father laughing at the turn of events of the day. Sit by the TV and watch your favorite show. Lucky to go outside, have your friends by your side. Lucky not to spill that much tears anymore because you know they’re there. Sleeping knowing you’re not alone and that you have another bright day ahead. Wake up to the morning, have a nice breakfast with the family, and start a wonderful ligfe again.

Yep, you are lucky if you have such things. You see, I don’t have any of them…I wish I could have one of them…but there’s none up there that i have. Consider yourself lucky.

Many people would love to have a better life out there, but life did not granted them that good life. Many out there searched and was lost, and everything seems to be out of place. Consider yourself lucky for being not one of those lost.

As for me….well, I can’t say I’ll hope to find suck "lucky" things.

Always remember to yourself…"I’m lucky"

Speak it always…and I assure you, it will put a smile to your face.

And don’t go one posting about learning to advice myself…I don’t know how to.

Take Care.

Reflecting back on all the loneliness I’ve had for years, there are many lessons I’ve learned in life. One, you can work on dim lights without regard for your sunken eyes; two, you can stay home with music, a bag of chips and an idea in your head to write in your journal. And finally, you can learn a lot more from life’s little things by confining.

Maybe it doesn’t make sense to learn anything from loneliness, but take it from me, there are as many things in loneliness that you can learn as there in having friends or companions. It’s only in a matter of perspective that you can learn things in confining oneself. It is the matter of focus, a matter of tolerance that you can see the true realizations of life, by learning more of yourself.

Maybe the litle things don’t matter to you, but for me it had been a hard toil to make a jigsaw puzzle out of it. Each of the bits and pieces of lessons I learned everyday have made out the big, shining philosophies right now. It wasn’t easy, but creating a mark for yourself isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.

Realizing so much from the toil of being alone, I thought of it as a burden, but as I reflect back on my achievements, I guess being alone has its benefits after all. Not that I would comapre it to the sweet achievement of friendship, but loneliness made me the person I am now. Though one may say I didn’t make such a nice personality, I can say I’m proud of what I am and what I do.

I may not be the guy who is used on hanging out with friends at night out in the streets. I’m not the guy who plays guitars, sings songs with friends and laugh with them. I’m not the guy who is not used to hang out in cafes and such and talk about myself in front of people. I’m not the guy who can tolerate so much noise, nor I’m a guy who is not used on seeing immaturity. But hey, guess what? I’m proud of being like that. If you ask me, a nice, subtle conversation would be nice, especially at night, when everything is quiet, when the moon and the stars are at view, talking in serene peace.

Even so, I would like to have friends though. Loneliness can hit you hard if you are immersed on it too much. Take it from me again, it’s not exactly the best lot to hang around. Try friends, it’s a better option than to be lonely.

Too bad, that’s what I am. But for how long can i tolerate such loneliness? Will I be lonely forever, never to see the friends I truly want, or even the love I’m trying to find?

I don’t know. Only the big guy up there will dictate what will happen to my life…

Oh well, it’s easy to drift for now, to wait for a moment I’ll get out of this loneliness.

But for now, with "ligaya" playing in the speakers, a big pack of tortillos beside me, and a plot to save the world…well, it’s lonely heaven here.

Better hang on for a while.

"She was my goddess, my sanity, my dream. She drives me to craziness with her love, and i would willingly ride along…"

A goddess…a woman with exceptional and awe-inspiring beauty. Her beauty encompasses everything that I would ever wish in a woman. Far too good for regular mortals, her kindness, meekness and kind heart would make any man’s soul melt in happiness.

Yes, she is far too good for a regular mortal, especially in the likes of me.

Even so, what would I like in my own goddess if she were to come to me by some chance of fate?

Well, I would love everything that is her.

I would love on how she smiles or laughs. the way she would gaze to me with those deep eyes full of gentleness and kindness. I would love the way she walks, she runs, or the way she puts an expression upon her face. I would love how she would pout, give out her opinions over matters. I would love her honesty, her courage to face everything that is to be thrown to her. I would love the way she would touch, hug, or maybe if I’m lucky, kiss me. I would love everything that makes her chemistry, that she alone made a reaction in my heart that made me lover her.

Too bad all those statements are full of "I would..", because by far, I haven’t found that goddess of mine to begin with. The question here is, would I really love everything about her? Would i love her attitude, her ways of thinking, her actions?

Let’s face reality, everything has a flaw. Even my goddess has a flaw, and so is every woman out there. So how does a man love a woman despite of these flaws?

One word: acceptance.

Yes, that is something i should learn when I’m going to love that goddess out there. I must learn to accept who she is, and hopefully accept me as who i am…

*sigh* another question: would that goddess come to me and save me from the loneliness I’m experiencing? Would she come to take way the shadows haunting me all this time? I’ll never know.

All I can do is wait for her, and that’s all there is to it…

Though I know I don’t get anything that I’ve always wanted…I’ll still hope. Somehow, I might get lucky…

She is my goddess, my sanity and my dream. She drives me to craziness with her love, and would willingly drive along. She would makie me feel the sense of worth i long to find, and she will bring peace and solitude upon my weary and shadow-haunted heart. She would make me feel loved and cared for, not anymore a boy who suffered years and years of loneliness and misery. She would be my savior, and she would take me out of the darkness I would longingly escape to…

I want to be stronge, I want to be much, much more that what I am now. I want to change because of her, so I can be worthy of her love.

She is out there, I know. Whether she is finding for me, or is locked out there just like me, I’m sure she’s there.

And I’m determined to make her mine, and I want to love her badly.

I hope I would find you, beauty divine…

My flawed goddess…

When at this time…night has fallen and when everybody is asleep, the soft tapping of my keyboard comes in, making out to it a story, a world made of letters and such. Yep, it’s always a great day for writing…for a person like me who have visited the great libraries of knowledge in oblivion, finding inspirations to my works, or perhaps to shed some light on some unexplainable matter…whichever comes first wasn’t really a bother to me. Well, being a writer for four years was series of a few ups and a hell lot of downs…something that involved me, my bad past, and of course, my lonely world.

As a writer, i battered myself to the extremes..thinking and sequencing scenes piece by pice…like a jigsaw puzzle, waiting for the bigger picture to form. Taking out stacks of books for reference, and finally taking out something suprising…a storyline out of all those efforts. It is indeed enthralling that a mix of logic, literature and emotion could make such a great pieece of work…and i for one is very proud.

Though i have to admit to myself, all my work wasn’t for glory, nor was it for the happiness of it’s readers…

It is a denial perhaps, but maybe it is also guilt that i did all my writings not for the sake of happiness in my part…perhaps i didn’t even had the will to write all those things at all…but why did i write it anyway? It’s a stupid question, asking yourself why write such things…but somewhat it felt right asking. Was the purpose of my writing fulfilled what i wanted all this time? Did it gave me what I want? What did I want anyway?

I want happiness. A friend, and a sweet memory…but out of all those three, writing gave me none of them…so why did I write anyway?

But my mind spoke of a different matter.

because you willed it…because you want to be heard….to have what you want

I looked and gazed to my work for a while, and for some reason i felt a sigh leaving out of my body. Looking into myself; sunken eyes, an aching back and aching fingers…i couldn’t help but see a smile in my face. Yes, i did have a bad past, a lonely world, but when i began writing the world i’m making out my words and letters, the smile was always there. It wasn’t warm nor kind; it did not show happiness nor pride..

It was contentment, and maybe, it was my purpose of writing after all….

…because you want to be heard….

And I intend on writing on…you can bet on it.