Solaced Seraphim’s Domain of Philosophy

College life…hay, nakakapagod talaga mag-college lalo na yung pag mag-cocommute ka…1 hour trip pala yung sa akin and let me tell you it sucks.

Okay lang naman, though i feel like an outcast sa class, as in walang tao dun talaga ang di ko maka-relate. They love having a good laugh, those guys. oo lalo na ung mga guys. yep those guys can cheer you up. Pero kung pakikisamahan ko sila…that’s a different matter.

Di naman sa di ko sila kasundo. I mean, i respect them and all for their attitude, but in a sense I’m not drawn to them. Mayron ako na wala sila at wala rin ako na meron sila…ganun lang siguro ang conflict sa situation. I love to talk about the many wonders and beauty of knowledge and life, while they are out there enjoying one part of their youth. I like the idea na ganun…i mean, youth does not last forever…i should cherish it. Pero for my love of knowledge and life, that is how i want to spend my youth.

Sa akin lang naman, ang gusto kong environment is may kasama ako, and we talk about the many things in life. Siguro kahit yung mga insignificant things…but its about life nonetheless. I also like intellectual jokes, yung bang it makes some smart sense once you see it, though natatawa rin ako dun sa mga ibang silly jokes. Masarap rin mag-usap sa isang serene na place, gaya ng park o kaya ng garden (napipilitan lang siguro sa mall dahil gusto ng kasama ko). In short, i like the simple pleasures of life, at tsaka yung mga bagay that would bring me comfort.

Oo na, if i keep trying to make things the way they are, magiging outcast lalo ako.

Pero yun ang gusto ko. For many times ang parating nasusnod na lang ay iba at hindi ako. Surely, now that it is time to start anew, it’s time that i do my own thing, my own way of lifestyle. Outcast man o hindi, i like to maintain my attitude, maging totoo sa sarili ko. I liek to be serious, passionate, calm and intellectual. I like to read and write more than any sport. Gusto kong magsalita sa sarili ko while i formulate ng isang magandang story or poem. Gusto ko maging ako kung ano ako, at bahala na kayo kung tatanggapin niyo ako o hindi.

College na ito mga tol, time to get real. Time to boot up. tama na ang pagiging plastic sa college. get a life and make it real. make your life real as it is, and you can do it by being yourself.

Kung di mo magawa yan, wag mo na harapin ang buhay. the world demands real and honest people, di yung factory made, yung bang sumusunod sa uso. Maging marunong kang maging ikaw, kundi ikaw rin ang mawawalan.

And it all starts in college. don’t be afraid. justtake your step and you’ll be fine…

After all, sino naman ang talagang namatay for being himself?

Umuulan na naman. bawat patak ay aking tinititigan. bawat sulok ng aking bintana ay basa sa ulan. at higit sa lahat ang aking mata’y nagmistulang bulag sa kanilang sariling luha…

Oo, ito nga ang aking kauna-unahang blog ko na filipino. Maaring nakakatawa ang aking paraan ng pananalita, ngunit ako y hindi sanay sa pagsusulat ng mga salitang may "slang" at lalo na magsulat ng filipinong may magaan at masayang tono. Ang nababasa niyo ngaun ay pilit lamang; may pakiramdam lang ako maging filipino ngaun at magsulat ng ganito.

Oo umuulan na naman, at alam niyo ba na wala akong magawa ngayon kaya ganito ako’y nagsasalitype sa filipino. Ang tanging hiling ko lang sa diyos ngayon eh kung bibigyan niya ako ng awa na sana ay kung sinuman ang makabasa nito ay alam ang aking pinaparating na mensahe.

Madalas talaga ang pakiramdam natin ay di sigurado at di alam kung saan ang paroroonan. May mga oras na ating may puso ay tumatahak sa ilaw ng landas at madalas naman ito ay dumaraan sa kadiliman. Para sa akin, sa aking buhay ang aking buhay ay naklugmok na sa kumunoy ng nasabing kadiliman, at walang tao ang nagdahas na sumubok na iligtas ako…

maaring sabihin niyo na iyon ay hindi possible….mayrong mga tao na sumubok na ako’y iligtas…ngunit…

sinubukan ba nila na abutin ang kamay ko? O nakatayo lang sila dun at dada nang dada ng mga salitang ang tanging ginagawa lamanag ay gawin akong bingi.

Ako ay nasa kadiliman. Ako ay kinukuha ng kadiliman. At balang araw ay magiging kadiliman ako…at tulad ng ulan na pumapatak ay para rin sa aking kabaliwan…

nawawala….patak bawat patak nawawala ang kabaliwan kong kabiyak.

I feel like the world was falling in me; tired of the endless nightmares. My heart and head are pounding wildly, trying to restrain the years and years of anger, shattered patience, misery, unfallen tears, broken moments of happiness, all stored in my metaphysical heart…

I could feel it in my tone;my sweat turns cold and my hands begin to tighten its grip upon itself.  "Just a couple more insults, just a couple more disappointments….come on, and i will show you my hell…I’ll show you that you’re like them, you’re like them who would throw me away, who would treat me like trash…" my mind would say as the intensity of the moment cosumes itself. Inside of me, the black angel of hate blooms itself again, the gentleness, politeness and piety to hide the black angel crumbles as it slowly emerges again.

Yes, after all the years of patience and tolerance….the dark side of me emerged….and it wasn’t pretty doing so.

I could remember that i had 4 incidences of emerging of my so-called "dark" side….and it was a frightening memory indeed….

I am conscious, but all trace of pity, kindness and gentleness is gone. I would feel every inch of my throat cover itself with profanity, insults, and dignity-shattering comments.  I would look down on those i insult me, and i would feel every inch of my body covering itself with hatred.

That is how the dark side of me works. and I hate every bit of it.

I don’t know where it begun, but I knew when I had it…i was somehow relieved of my hatred….the past that haunts me till this very day…but for most people, it’s not a pretty thing. That’s because people can’t stand hatred…i can very well understand that concept….but somehow it doesn’t satisfy me.

Is there a person out there where that can hold his arms to me and i will let all of my hate and anger out, even if i didn’t want it to? Will a person be so caring, so loving that my dark side would crumble away from his light, from his saving act? Would that person be so gentle, so compassionate that that person would handle all the darkness i cursed myself to hold to, and turn it into light?

I don’t know. I never knew. Because I never knew that person…..or rather…I have yet to know that person….

My friends say that there are others out there that love and care for me. They always say there’s someone out there who would die for me. Someone that would hold me in a period in time and show me that I’m wrong in all that assume. They themselves are evidence of that

They would show me i have friends. Friends who would care and love me for what i am, and for what i am not.

But I’m stubborn. I want friends who can express their care for me. I am not contented by mere words, i want actions. Assurances of happiness expressed through action. Mistake it for love perhaps? Of course I will…because I LOVE my friends. If I love you, then i can say "I love you"….because you’d rather know it than not know it at all. I don’t care about you….because I LOVE you… that is how friendships work. People just can’t seem to say that "L" word too often these days…often mistaking it for romantic love or infatuated love.

Well, there’s one thing that’s wrong with it…people do love because they care….because they want to hold something important…

I know my "dark" side is out there….deep in the unfanthomable depths of my heart. It sleeps…it always does…I can wake it up at will. It will always watch me, my every movements, every person’t movements…and it will always bring those words that it says to me, as i have said it to others:

"Will you accept what I am? Will you accept me as the whole of me? Would you accept the darkness in my heart?"

I hope somebody will….if I do meet that person i can throw my darkness by knowing him…..

And I will smile.

A real smile.

I remembered that day…when i woke up from a nightmare, already battered from the ravages of the last two nights I’ve been trying to sleep. I opened my PC, went to chat, and went on ranting on how sad I’ve become. It *was* pathetic, but hey, if you’re a guy who didn’t have any friends around to run to when you feel stupid and disgusted by life, you would feel your computer would sound like a fine friend for a moment.

Maybe it was fate, or maybe it was coinicidence that she entered into that room, and we met. And so far, the two weeks of my life became something like a dream. A very good dream in fact, and I didn’t want to wake up, to go back to that cold world of mine.

She is a wonderful friend to me. She’s kind, sweet, open-minded, naughty (sometimes) and is generally a very pleasant person to be with. I can’t believe my luck! I found such a wonderful person…and in that moment i felt disappointment for a moment. Why didnt i found her earlier? Why do i have to face friends that only made me more hated, only to find a beautiful angel like her now?

And I realized, when I felt i’m going to the hell of my life, God sent me this creature, my friend, my angel of my life to save me. She brought me to the light, and I’m thankful for that.

2 weeks had passed since then, and I’d like to say to her: "THANK YOU". It’s soemthing many people would have said to you, but i hope it’s something you can appreciate. Time may have yet to mature us, but I’m sure we will be the best of friends in time. I want to thank you for all the things you did to me, and I want to say that I care for you so much…that I wouldn’t let you go. I want to say to you that you’re precious to me, that you’re one of the rare jewels of my life that i need to keep….

you came to my life, and made me see light

you came to my heart, and made me feel love

you came to my mind, and made me feel serenity.

thank you lianne, my dearest friend. 

         All my life i lived alone, i knew damn well how to put up with myself. All this time being isolated from others, i learned how to set the standards that separate me from the rest of the world. If the world sets a standard for logic, then i deem to myself that i should build my own standards, though sometimes it is judged as something like "irrational" or "immoral" or some other insult to a person’s quest for perspective.It’s not about the degree of wealth or prestige that sets a man to the highest plane (though it can be said that a man with wealth has a greater degree of material satisfaction), but on how a man stands up to his own ways of life. There are so many people out there who tried and tried to crumble down my views, but I won in the end. And for that, I give merit to myself. I won another war in life.

Perhaps intuition tells me to fight on for my beliefs, and that I must do so because all my life i had fought my battles alone, and in the future fights I will have to depend on myself. That is why this early on i begin to build up my defenses, so as not to get too hurt or lose the very ideals i stood for. For so long i lived my life, i tolaerated pain and misery, anguish and sorrow, and for that I created so many barriers to hold them all back. I never regretted making those walls, but for me to venture back to the world, i must climb all of them, and careful not to fall in the trecherous waters of my past. If i were to open myself to the world, i must move on.

Still, there are ghosts in my life that needs to be repelled. I resolve to remove all of them, even if it means my life.

In all of the things that happened in my life, I never regretted the ideals and philosophies i made for myself. They were things that were custom-made just for me, like a dress in each different doll. My philosophies have bought me nothing but the truth in my life, and though i had face truths that are painful, i know too well that honesty is still the best policy.

I lived a life of knowing that the mind is beyond the heart, that my logic dictates everything that I made for in my life. My mind has made me the person i am now, and I wouldn’t want any other thing to make me in the future. If intellect were to bring me to greater heights, then I’ll let it carry me.

Still, there are many things that mind alone can’t do without. I realize, in one sense of logic, that I must use the intuitions of my heart once in a while. For that, I know that I can depend on my emotions as well to do the decisions for me. Together, the mind and the heart are an invincible pair.

Now, living in this present I call "life", I continue my path, learning anf re-learning experiences in life, soaking knowledge and finding my happiness….all this things revolve around in the vast expanse of my mind. Whether it is something i should live for, or it is the cause of my existence…my mind still rules over everything i have. In this world where standards are something dictated by society alone, I set my own…and it all goes down to the wonder of thinking itself.

knowledge is something all of us has, but only some try to pursue more.

emotions is something all of us express, but only some try to delve deeper to its cause.

love is something all of us can give, but only some try to find rationality behind it.

use your mind.

use your heart.

and it will make you succeed