The Dark Side of me….
I feel like the world was falling in me; tired of the endless nightmares. My heart and head are pounding wildly, trying to restrain the years and years of anger, shattered patience, misery, unfallen tears, broken moments of happiness, all stored in my metaphysical heart…
I could feel it in my tone;my sweat turns cold and my hands begin to tighten its grip upon itself. "Just a couple more insults, just a couple more disappointments….come on, and i will show you my hell…I’ll show you that you’re like them, you’re like them who would throw me away, who would treat me like trash…" my mind would say as the intensity of the moment cosumes itself. Inside of me, the black angel of hate blooms itself again, the gentleness, politeness and piety to hide the black angel crumbles as it slowly emerges again.
Yes, after all the years of patience and tolerance….the dark side of me emerged….and it wasn’t pretty doing so.
I could remember that i had 4 incidences of emerging of my so-called "dark" side….and it was a frightening memory indeed….
I am conscious, but all trace of pity, kindness and gentleness is gone. I would feel every inch of my throat cover itself with profanity, insults, and dignity-shattering comments. I would look down on those i insult me, and i would feel every inch of my body covering itself with hatred.
That is how the dark side of me works. and I hate every bit of it.
I don’t know where it begun, but I knew when I had it…i was somehow relieved of my hatred….the past that haunts me till this very day…but for most people, it’s not a pretty thing. That’s because people can’t stand hatred…i can very well understand that concept….but somehow it doesn’t satisfy me.
Is there a person out there where that can hold his arms to me and i will let all of my hate and anger out, even if i didn’t want it to? Will a person be so caring, so loving that my dark side would crumble away from his light, from his saving act? Would that person be so gentle, so compassionate that that person would handle all the darkness i cursed myself to hold to, and turn it into light?
I don’t know. I never knew. Because I never knew that person…..or rather…I have yet to know that person….
My friends say that there are others out there that love and care for me. They always say there’s someone out there who would die for me. Someone that would hold me in a period in time and show me that I’m wrong in all that assume. They themselves are evidence of that
They would show me i have friends. Friends who would care and love me for what i am, and for what i am not.
But I’m stubborn. I want friends who can express their care for me. I am not contented by mere words, i want actions. Assurances of happiness expressed through action. Mistake it for love perhaps? Of course I will…because I LOVE my friends. If I love you, then i can say "I love you"….because you’d rather know it than not know it at all. I don’t care about you….because I LOVE you… that is how friendships work. People just can’t seem to say that "L" word too often these days…often mistaking it for romantic love or infatuated love.
Well, there’s one thing that’s wrong with it…people do love because they care….because they want to hold something important…
I know my "dark" side is out there….deep in the unfanthomable depths of my heart. It sleeps…it always does…I can wake it up at will. It will always watch me, my every movements, every person’t movements…and it will always bring those words that it says to me, as i have said it to others:
"Will you accept what I am? Will you accept me as the whole of me? Would you accept the darkness in my heart?"
I hope somebody will….if I do meet that person i can throw my darkness by knowing him…..
And I will smile.
A real smile.
