Solaced Seraphim’s Domain of Philosophy

I deny my crime, but I know I’m guilty that I did it for once…

I smiled, and I was smiling after I went home. And still smiling when I did my homework smiling while walking and still smiling after that.

Yep, something came up and the once seemingly perpetual frown turned into a smile.

I don’t know why, but when I talked to a friend, actually I just met her a few weeks ago, it was just that moment that I met a person that was understanding enough to see my point of view. Most of my classmates think I’m serious, or needed serious medical attention (maybe in some cases), but to admit it, I’m a very sad guy. A miserable guy stuck in so many horrible pasts that it seemed so impossible for me to get out.

When I talked to her, she listened. She gave her own views ont he matter, and really urged me to cheer up. And for someone as ordinary as her, I never knew how the phrase "life is beautiful" would come out of her lips as if some divine slation to me.

Maybe it was the way we talked, but perhaps it also the way she told me that phrase. People around me, much as i complicate matters about my misery, they couldn’t give me such a straightforward answer. They may have listened but they put the situation within themselves and not to me. That’s why when I heard it from her, it seemed so refreshing, so new to hear. It’s as if she specially said it to me and to me alone. And that gave me this feeling that I smiled all the way home.

I’ve always wanted a friend that can give me an argument or some intelligent insight, but she gave me neither, but she gave me a perspective that I didn’t see-simplicity. Relation of life. An experience from the heart given to another as a token of hope.An urge to become happy and not to be sad. An urge to smile…hey, no one ever urged me to smile that much, and that made me really at peace with myself.

For that, my friend, I want to thank you for making me smile.

I just want you guys to know, my other friends out there; Paulina, Lianne, Jenny,Rina, Zyra,Loraine, Teng, Christian, Juan Miguel,Janoel and last but not the least Zarah, the one who made me smile today. I want all of you guys to know that I’m so fortunate to have you here. I was given a chance to be happy because all of you managed to step into my life, and though most of us have to start yet the road to friendship, we’re going there. I just hope that you will walk with me in my journey to happiness.

Now, most of you know my personality from the start…maybe not most of you but I bet you must’ve took an impression as a "deep" and "serious" sort of guy, and yes, what you assume is true. Paulina ("muffin), Lianne ("angel"), Loraine ("Princess"), Rina ("Rina"), Zyra ("jerk"), Janoel ("Tabs"), Christian ("Cho"), Juan Miguel ("Tarugo!")…yes these guys know me a lot! Heck a lot! and I must say to my new batch of friends…all I can say is that you, like those who knew me, that you are precious to my heart. Sincerely, whoever friend you are..I want to know you better and I would love to share my part as well. I just hope that all of you would stay by my side. You are all precious to me and I love you all…

Thank you, I really am grateful to have you all….*group hug lolz!*

Thanks for making an effort to make me smile, and thank you for being there….

Maybe there’s a chance I can smile….and a real one too…

Marami akong pwedeng sabihin, ngunit ito ay nakatadhana lamang sa mga bituin. Maaring ako ma’y nabulag sa katotohanan na ako’y di nag-iisa, bakit kaya tinataboy ko ang katotohanan at ako’y mag-iisa? Ano na nga ba ang dapat kong gawin upang magising ako sa bangungot ko at maging masaya man lang ako? Ewan ko ba. Sinubukan ko maging masaya; maghanap ng kausdap, maghanap ng kaibigan. naghanap ng iniirog. naghahanap ng bagong talento. Ngunit lahat ito’y bigo. Pagkat ako’y isang manunulat lamang, isang taong ang tanging kapangyarihan ay bihagin ang tao sa aking mga salita at letra.

Hindi naman ako nakakatawa, autistic pa nga raw ako eh. Hindi rin naman ako guwapo, siguro sinusubukan lang kayanin ng mga kasama ko. At lalong di naman ako gaya ng mga lalaki diyan na kayang gumamit ng kamao upang lumaban. Suntukin ako at babagsak ako, sipain ako at uubo ako ng dugo. Kaya nga di ako sasaya eh, kasi di ko maipapaglaban ang mga tao na gusto kong ipagtanggol sa buhay….

Pero ginusto ko rin naman maging nakakatawa, maging "tolerable" ang looks (opo, sinubukan ko maging gwapo dati) at matuto man lang ng simpleng suntok o sipa, pero di naman gumagana.Magpatawa naman eh nayeyelo ang yung gusto patawanin, o di kaya lalong lumayo kung "feeling gwapo" o kaya naman eh matalo sa isang laban ng suntukan at tapos babansagan ka pang "bakla". Ewan ko ba. Ano ba ang gusto ng tao sa akin? Ano ba, gusto ba nila ako maging katulad nila, parang nakatawa, parating handang lumaban? Ano ba ang gusto niyo sa akin at parati kayo lumalayo? Bakit di niyo ba ako matanggap kung ano ako.

Dahil ang kaya ko lang talaga ay kausapin kayo tungkol sa kalawakan ng buhay, na lahat sa buhay ay di masaya, o kaya di lahat ay di rin malungkot. Kaya lang kita sagutin sa mga bagay-bagay sa mga seryosong parte ng buhay, di kasi marunong magpatawa man lang.Kaya ko lang ipakita sayo ang aking mga sinulat at ibigay sayo ang mga aralin sa buhay na pwede mong gamitin. Kaya ko lang magmahal nmg buo pero di ko naman alam kung mamahalin rin naman ako pabalik.

Hay, malungkot ang buhay ko.Marring may kaibigan, may mga totoo, may kunyari. Yung pang mga kunyari yung malapit sayo, yung pang totoo ang wala sa piling mo. Bakit kaya ganun? Diba dapat silang mga totoo ang malapit? Ewan ko ba. di ko alam. Siguro ganun lang talaga yun.

Siguro balang araw, mahahanap ko rin ang sagot. Pero sa ngayon, ang Diyos lang ang may alam.