Solaced Seraphim’s Domain of Philosophy

They have been my goddesses at one time of my life. For some reason , I pushed them away. I must’ve been sick doing that.

But they still exist in my heart, the two goddesses that once lent their glorious wings, to let me fly in the highest heavens, to reach the highest glory…

They carried me, and left me on the ground, free to roam the heavens once more. I wonder if they will lend their wings again to me?

No matter…I have made my own wings. I will fly and I find them and bring them back to me once more.

That I am certain.

I deny my crime, but I know I’m guilty that I did it for once…

I smiled, and I was smiling after I went home. And still smiling when I did my homework smiling while walking and still smiling after that.

Yep, something came up and the once seemingly perpetual frown turned into a smile.

I don’t know why, but when I talked to a friend, actually I just met her a few weeks ago, it was just that moment that I met a person that was understanding enough to see my point of view. Most of my classmates think I’m serious, or needed serious medical attention (maybe in some cases), but to admit it, I’m a very sad guy. A miserable guy stuck in so many horrible pasts that it seemed so impossible for me to get out.

When I talked to her, she listened. She gave her own views ont he matter, and really urged me to cheer up. And for someone as ordinary as her, I never knew how the phrase "life is beautiful" would come out of her lips as if some divine slation to me.

Maybe it was the way we talked, but perhaps it also the way she told me that phrase. People around me, much as i complicate matters about my misery, they couldn’t give me such a straightforward answer. They may have listened but they put the situation within themselves and not to me. That’s why when I heard it from her, it seemed so refreshing, so new to hear. It’s as if she specially said it to me and to me alone. And that gave me this feeling that I smiled all the way home.

I’ve always wanted a friend that can give me an argument or some intelligent insight, but she gave me neither, but she gave me a perspective that I didn’t see-simplicity. Relation of life. An experience from the heart given to another as a token of hope.An urge to become happy and not to be sad. An urge to smile…hey, no one ever urged me to smile that much, and that made me really at peace with myself.

For that, my friend, I want to thank you for making me smile.

I just want you guys to know, my other friends out there; Paulina, Lianne, Jenny,Rina, Zyra,Loraine, Teng, Christian, Juan Miguel,Janoel and last but not the least Zarah, the one who made me smile today. I want all of you guys to know that I’m so fortunate to have you here. I was given a chance to be happy because all of you managed to step into my life, and though most of us have to start yet the road to friendship, we’re going there. I just hope that you will walk with me in my journey to happiness.

Now, most of you know my personality from the start…maybe not most of you but I bet you must’ve took an impression as a "deep" and "serious" sort of guy, and yes, what you assume is true. Paulina ("muffin), Lianne ("angel"), Loraine ("Princess"), Rina ("Rina"), Zyra ("jerk"), Janoel ("Tabs"), Christian ("Cho"), Juan Miguel ("Tarugo!")…yes these guys know me a lot! Heck a lot! and I must say to my new batch of friends…all I can say is that you, like those who knew me, that you are precious to my heart. Sincerely, whoever friend you are..I want to know you better and I would love to share my part as well. I just hope that all of you would stay by my side. You are all precious to me and I love you all…

Thank you, I really am grateful to have you all….*group hug lolz!*

Thanks for making an effort to make me smile, and thank you for being there….

Maybe there’s a chance I can smile….and a real one too…

Marami akong pwedeng sabihin, ngunit ito ay nakatadhana lamang sa mga bituin. Maaring ako ma’y nabulag sa katotohanan na ako’y di nag-iisa, bakit kaya tinataboy ko ang katotohanan at ako’y mag-iisa? Ano na nga ba ang dapat kong gawin upang magising ako sa bangungot ko at maging masaya man lang ako? Ewan ko ba. Sinubukan ko maging masaya; maghanap ng kausdap, maghanap ng kaibigan. naghanap ng iniirog. naghahanap ng bagong talento. Ngunit lahat ito’y bigo. Pagkat ako’y isang manunulat lamang, isang taong ang tanging kapangyarihan ay bihagin ang tao sa aking mga salita at letra.

Hindi naman ako nakakatawa, autistic pa nga raw ako eh. Hindi rin naman ako guwapo, siguro sinusubukan lang kayanin ng mga kasama ko. At lalong di naman ako gaya ng mga lalaki diyan na kayang gumamit ng kamao upang lumaban. Suntukin ako at babagsak ako, sipain ako at uubo ako ng dugo. Kaya nga di ako sasaya eh, kasi di ko maipapaglaban ang mga tao na gusto kong ipagtanggol sa buhay….

Pero ginusto ko rin naman maging nakakatawa, maging "tolerable" ang looks (opo, sinubukan ko maging gwapo dati) at matuto man lang ng simpleng suntok o sipa, pero di naman gumagana.Magpatawa naman eh nayeyelo ang yung gusto patawanin, o di kaya lalong lumayo kung "feeling gwapo" o kaya naman eh matalo sa isang laban ng suntukan at tapos babansagan ka pang "bakla". Ewan ko ba. Ano ba ang gusto ng tao sa akin? Ano ba, gusto ba nila ako maging katulad nila, parang nakatawa, parating handang lumaban? Ano ba ang gusto niyo sa akin at parati kayo lumalayo? Bakit di niyo ba ako matanggap kung ano ako.

Dahil ang kaya ko lang talaga ay kausapin kayo tungkol sa kalawakan ng buhay, na lahat sa buhay ay di masaya, o kaya di lahat ay di rin malungkot. Kaya lang kita sagutin sa mga bagay-bagay sa mga seryosong parte ng buhay, di kasi marunong magpatawa man lang.Kaya ko lang ipakita sayo ang aking mga sinulat at ibigay sayo ang mga aralin sa buhay na pwede mong gamitin. Kaya ko lang magmahal nmg buo pero di ko naman alam kung mamahalin rin naman ako pabalik.

Hay, malungkot ang buhay ko.Marring may kaibigan, may mga totoo, may kunyari. Yung pang mga kunyari yung malapit sayo, yung pang totoo ang wala sa piling mo. Bakit kaya ganun? Diba dapat silang mga totoo ang malapit? Ewan ko ba. di ko alam. Siguro ganun lang talaga yun.

Siguro balang araw, mahahanap ko rin ang sagot. Pero sa ngayon, ang Diyos lang ang may alam.

College life…hay, nakakapagod talaga mag-college lalo na yung pag mag-cocommute ka…1 hour trip pala yung sa akin and let me tell you it sucks.

Okay lang naman, though i feel like an outcast sa class, as in walang tao dun talaga ang di ko maka-relate. They love having a good laugh, those guys. oo lalo na ung mga guys. yep those guys can cheer you up. Pero kung pakikisamahan ko sila…that’s a different matter.

Di naman sa di ko sila kasundo. I mean, i respect them and all for their attitude, but in a sense I’m not drawn to them. Mayron ako na wala sila at wala rin ako na meron sila…ganun lang siguro ang conflict sa situation. I love to talk about the many wonders and beauty of knowledge and life, while they are out there enjoying one part of their youth. I like the idea na ganun…i mean, youth does not last forever…i should cherish it. Pero for my love of knowledge and life, that is how i want to spend my youth.

Sa akin lang naman, ang gusto kong environment is may kasama ako, and we talk about the many things in life. Siguro kahit yung mga insignificant things…but its about life nonetheless. I also like intellectual jokes, yung bang it makes some smart sense once you see it, though natatawa rin ako dun sa mga ibang silly jokes. Masarap rin mag-usap sa isang serene na place, gaya ng park o kaya ng garden (napipilitan lang siguro sa mall dahil gusto ng kasama ko). In short, i like the simple pleasures of life, at tsaka yung mga bagay that would bring me comfort.

Oo na, if i keep trying to make things the way they are, magiging outcast lalo ako.

Pero yun ang gusto ko. For many times ang parating nasusnod na lang ay iba at hindi ako. Surely, now that it is time to start anew, it’s time that i do my own thing, my own way of lifestyle. Outcast man o hindi, i like to maintain my attitude, maging totoo sa sarili ko. I liek to be serious, passionate, calm and intellectual. I like to read and write more than any sport. Gusto kong magsalita sa sarili ko while i formulate ng isang magandang story or poem. Gusto ko maging ako kung ano ako, at bahala na kayo kung tatanggapin niyo ako o hindi.

College na ito mga tol, time to get real. Time to boot up. tama na ang pagiging plastic sa college. get a life and make it real. make your life real as it is, and you can do it by being yourself.

Kung di mo magawa yan, wag mo na harapin ang buhay. the world demands real and honest people, di yung factory made, yung bang sumusunod sa uso. Maging marunong kang maging ikaw, kundi ikaw rin ang mawawalan.

And it all starts in college. don’t be afraid. justtake your step and you’ll be fine…

After all, sino naman ang talagang namatay for being himself?

Umuulan na naman. bawat patak ay aking tinititigan. bawat sulok ng aking bintana ay basa sa ulan. at higit sa lahat ang aking mata’y nagmistulang bulag sa kanilang sariling luha…

Oo, ito nga ang aking kauna-unahang blog ko na filipino. Maaring nakakatawa ang aking paraan ng pananalita, ngunit ako y hindi sanay sa pagsusulat ng mga salitang may "slang" at lalo na magsulat ng filipinong may magaan at masayang tono. Ang nababasa niyo ngaun ay pilit lamang; may pakiramdam lang ako maging filipino ngaun at magsulat ng ganito.

Oo umuulan na naman, at alam niyo ba na wala akong magawa ngayon kaya ganito ako’y nagsasalitype sa filipino. Ang tanging hiling ko lang sa diyos ngayon eh kung bibigyan niya ako ng awa na sana ay kung sinuman ang makabasa nito ay alam ang aking pinaparating na mensahe.

Madalas talaga ang pakiramdam natin ay di sigurado at di alam kung saan ang paroroonan. May mga oras na ating may puso ay tumatahak sa ilaw ng landas at madalas naman ito ay dumaraan sa kadiliman. Para sa akin, sa aking buhay ang aking buhay ay naklugmok na sa kumunoy ng nasabing kadiliman, at walang tao ang nagdahas na sumubok na iligtas ako…

maaring sabihin niyo na iyon ay hindi possible….mayrong mga tao na sumubok na ako’y iligtas…ngunit…

sinubukan ba nila na abutin ang kamay ko? O nakatayo lang sila dun at dada nang dada ng mga salitang ang tanging ginagawa lamanag ay gawin akong bingi.

Ako ay nasa kadiliman. Ako ay kinukuha ng kadiliman. At balang araw ay magiging kadiliman ako…at tulad ng ulan na pumapatak ay para rin sa aking kabaliwan…

nawawala….patak bawat patak nawawala ang kabaliwan kong kabiyak.

I feel like the world was falling in me; tired of the endless nightmares. My heart and head are pounding wildly, trying to restrain the years and years of anger, shattered patience, misery, unfallen tears, broken moments of happiness, all stored in my metaphysical heart…

I could feel it in my tone;my sweat turns cold and my hands begin to tighten its grip upon itself.  "Just a couple more insults, just a couple more disappointments….come on, and i will show you my hell…I’ll show you that you’re like them, you’re like them who would throw me away, who would treat me like trash…" my mind would say as the intensity of the moment cosumes itself. Inside of me, the black angel of hate blooms itself again, the gentleness, politeness and piety to hide the black angel crumbles as it slowly emerges again.

Yes, after all the years of patience and tolerance….the dark side of me emerged….and it wasn’t pretty doing so.

I could remember that i had 4 incidences of emerging of my so-called "dark" side….and it was a frightening memory indeed….

I am conscious, but all trace of pity, kindness and gentleness is gone. I would feel every inch of my throat cover itself with profanity, insults, and dignity-shattering comments.  I would look down on those i insult me, and i would feel every inch of my body covering itself with hatred.

That is how the dark side of me works. and I hate every bit of it.

I don’t know where it begun, but I knew when I had it…i was somehow relieved of my hatred….the past that haunts me till this very day…but for most people, it’s not a pretty thing. That’s because people can’t stand hatred…i can very well understand that concept….but somehow it doesn’t satisfy me.

Is there a person out there where that can hold his arms to me and i will let all of my hate and anger out, even if i didn’t want it to? Will a person be so caring, so loving that my dark side would crumble away from his light, from his saving act? Would that person be so gentle, so compassionate that that person would handle all the darkness i cursed myself to hold to, and turn it into light?

I don’t know. I never knew. Because I never knew that person…..or rather…I have yet to know that person….

My friends say that there are others out there that love and care for me. They always say there’s someone out there who would die for me. Someone that would hold me in a period in time and show me that I’m wrong in all that assume. They themselves are evidence of that

They would show me i have friends. Friends who would care and love me for what i am, and for what i am not.

But I’m stubborn. I want friends who can express their care for me. I am not contented by mere words, i want actions. Assurances of happiness expressed through action. Mistake it for love perhaps? Of course I will…because I LOVE my friends. If I love you, then i can say "I love you"….because you’d rather know it than not know it at all. I don’t care about you….because I LOVE you… that is how friendships work. People just can’t seem to say that "L" word too often these days…often mistaking it for romantic love or infatuated love.

Well, there’s one thing that’s wrong with it…people do love because they care….because they want to hold something important…

I know my "dark" side is out there….deep in the unfanthomable depths of my heart. It sleeps…it always does…I can wake it up at will. It will always watch me, my every movements, every person’t movements…and it will always bring those words that it says to me, as i have said it to others:

"Will you accept what I am? Will you accept me as the whole of me? Would you accept the darkness in my heart?"

I hope somebody will….if I do meet that person i can throw my darkness by knowing him…..

And I will smile.

A real smile.

I remembered that day…when i woke up from a nightmare, already battered from the ravages of the last two nights I’ve been trying to sleep. I opened my PC, went to chat, and went on ranting on how sad I’ve become. It *was* pathetic, but hey, if you’re a guy who didn’t have any friends around to run to when you feel stupid and disgusted by life, you would feel your computer would sound like a fine friend for a moment.

Maybe it was fate, or maybe it was coinicidence that she entered into that room, and we met. And so far, the two weeks of my life became something like a dream. A very good dream in fact, and I didn’t want to wake up, to go back to that cold world of mine.

She is a wonderful friend to me. She’s kind, sweet, open-minded, naughty (sometimes) and is generally a very pleasant person to be with. I can’t believe my luck! I found such a wonderful person…and in that moment i felt disappointment for a moment. Why didnt i found her earlier? Why do i have to face friends that only made me more hated, only to find a beautiful angel like her now?

And I realized, when I felt i’m going to the hell of my life, God sent me this creature, my friend, my angel of my life to save me. She brought me to the light, and I’m thankful for that.

2 weeks had passed since then, and I’d like to say to her: "THANK YOU". It’s soemthing many people would have said to you, but i hope it’s something you can appreciate. Time may have yet to mature us, but I’m sure we will be the best of friends in time. I want to thank you for all the things you did to me, and I want to say that I care for you so much…that I wouldn’t let you go. I want to say to you that you’re precious to me, that you’re one of the rare jewels of my life that i need to keep….

you came to my life, and made me see light

you came to my heart, and made me feel love

you came to my mind, and made me feel serenity.

thank you lianne, my dearest friend. 

         All my life i lived alone, i knew damn well how to put up with myself. All this time being isolated from others, i learned how to set the standards that separate me from the rest of the world. If the world sets a standard for logic, then i deem to myself that i should build my own standards, though sometimes it is judged as something like "irrational" or "immoral" or some other insult to a person’s quest for perspective.It’s not about the degree of wealth or prestige that sets a man to the highest plane (though it can be said that a man with wealth has a greater degree of material satisfaction), but on how a man stands up to his own ways of life. There are so many people out there who tried and tried to crumble down my views, but I won in the end. And for that, I give merit to myself. I won another war in life.

Perhaps intuition tells me to fight on for my beliefs, and that I must do so because all my life i had fought my battles alone, and in the future fights I will have to depend on myself. That is why this early on i begin to build up my defenses, so as not to get too hurt or lose the very ideals i stood for. For so long i lived my life, i tolaerated pain and misery, anguish and sorrow, and for that I created so many barriers to hold them all back. I never regretted making those walls, but for me to venture back to the world, i must climb all of them, and careful not to fall in the trecherous waters of my past. If i were to open myself to the world, i must move on.

Still, there are ghosts in my life that needs to be repelled. I resolve to remove all of them, even if it means my life.

In all of the things that happened in my life, I never regretted the ideals and philosophies i made for myself. They were things that were custom-made just for me, like a dress in each different doll. My philosophies have bought me nothing but the truth in my life, and though i had face truths that are painful, i know too well that honesty is still the best policy.

I lived a life of knowing that the mind is beyond the heart, that my logic dictates everything that I made for in my life. My mind has made me the person i am now, and I wouldn’t want any other thing to make me in the future. If intellect were to bring me to greater heights, then I’ll let it carry me.

Still, there are many things that mind alone can’t do without. I realize, in one sense of logic, that I must use the intuitions of my heart once in a while. For that, I know that I can depend on my emotions as well to do the decisions for me. Together, the mind and the heart are an invincible pair.

Now, living in this present I call "life", I continue my path, learning anf re-learning experiences in life, soaking knowledge and finding my happiness….all this things revolve around in the vast expanse of my mind. Whether it is something i should live for, or it is the cause of my existence…my mind still rules over everything i have. In this world where standards are something dictated by society alone, I set my own…and it all goes down to the wonder of thinking itself.

knowledge is something all of us has, but only some try to pursue more.

emotions is something all of us express, but only some try to delve deeper to its cause.

love is something all of us can give, but only some try to find rationality behind it.

use your mind.

use your heart.

and it will make you succeed

You are one lucky person out there. Yep, I’m talking to you, reading this entry of mine. Now, I’m not saying this cause I know you, but I know hell well how a person is lucky. Just be proud, give a smile and say to yourself "I’m lucky"

How are you lucky by the way?

Well, you’re lucky for many things. Little and insignificant things, but it’s good luck nontheless. Let’s list a few of them.

Lucky for having loving parents. Lucky for having loving friends. Lucky to go to school, be greeted by the said friends and pat you in the back or two, letting you join in their talk. Lucky to have that friend of yours sat beside you to give you the answers. Lucky to have friends who invite you out to the mall or to hang-outs coz’ they really wanted you there. Go home, a nice warm dinner with the family. Your mother and father laughing at the turn of events of the day. Sit by the TV and watch your favorite show. Lucky to go outside, have your friends by your side. Lucky not to spill that much tears anymore because you know they’re there. Sleeping knowing you’re not alone and that you have another bright day ahead. Wake up to the morning, have a nice breakfast with the family, and start a wonderful ligfe again.

Yep, you are lucky if you have such things. You see, I don’t have any of them…I wish I could have one of them…but there’s none up there that i have. Consider yourself lucky.

Many people would love to have a better life out there, but life did not granted them that good life. Many out there searched and was lost, and everything seems to be out of place. Consider yourself lucky for being not one of those lost.

As for me….well, I can’t say I’ll hope to find suck "lucky" things.

Always remember to yourself…"I’m lucky"

Speak it always…and I assure you, it will put a smile to your face.

And don’t go one posting about learning to advice myself…I don’t know how to.

Take Care.

Reflecting back on all the loneliness I’ve had for years, there are many lessons I’ve learned in life. One, you can work on dim lights without regard for your sunken eyes; two, you can stay home with music, a bag of chips and an idea in your head to write in your journal. And finally, you can learn a lot more from life’s little things by confining.

Maybe it doesn’t make sense to learn anything from loneliness, but take it from me, there are as many things in loneliness that you can learn as there in having friends or companions. It’s only in a matter of perspective that you can learn things in confining oneself. It is the matter of focus, a matter of tolerance that you can see the true realizations of life, by learning more of yourself.

Maybe the litle things don’t matter to you, but for me it had been a hard toil to make a jigsaw puzzle out of it. Each of the bits and pieces of lessons I learned everyday have made out the big, shining philosophies right now. It wasn’t easy, but creating a mark for yourself isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.

Realizing so much from the toil of being alone, I thought of it as a burden, but as I reflect back on my achievements, I guess being alone has its benefits after all. Not that I would comapre it to the sweet achievement of friendship, but loneliness made me the person I am now. Though one may say I didn’t make such a nice personality, I can say I’m proud of what I am and what I do.

I may not be the guy who is used on hanging out with friends at night out in the streets. I’m not the guy who plays guitars, sings songs with friends and laugh with them. I’m not the guy who is not used to hang out in cafes and such and talk about myself in front of people. I’m not the guy who can tolerate so much noise, nor I’m a guy who is not used on seeing immaturity. But hey, guess what? I’m proud of being like that. If you ask me, a nice, subtle conversation would be nice, especially at night, when everything is quiet, when the moon and the stars are at view, talking in serene peace.

Even so, I would like to have friends though. Loneliness can hit you hard if you are immersed on it too much. Take it from me again, it’s not exactly the best lot to hang around. Try friends, it’s a better option than to be lonely.

Too bad, that’s what I am. But for how long can i tolerate such loneliness? Will I be lonely forever, never to see the friends I truly want, or even the love I’m trying to find?

I don’t know. Only the big guy up there will dictate what will happen to my life…

Oh well, it’s easy to drift for now, to wait for a moment I’ll get out of this loneliness.

But for now, with "ligaya" playing in the speakers, a big pack of tortillos beside me, and a plot to save the world…well, it’s lonely heaven here.

Better hang on for a while.